ex-boyfriend

when i think of you, i think in pain; i wish it for you and upon you and into you: physical and mental and emotional. i wish for you to lose the things you love; that they might leave you and desert you and let you down, as you have me. i wish your skank girlfriend dumps you, i wish your family disowns you, i wish your dog dies.

i wonder at how easily i stopped loving you, and at how hard it was to stop missing you. why is this? it means i needed you around for my sake, and not for yours. just as you wanted me around for your sake, and not for mine. i would have said we were well matched, except that i am the one who has come out of this alone and wondering at the lack of wonderful people, while you found someone to share your house and your bed in less than a month. if i were not too busy feeling stupid, i would feel betrayed.

i regret. i do not like that feeling; it is the worst feeling there is - it means i wasted time i could not have afforded to waste. i wasted time thinking about you, and writing about you, and writing to you, and travelling on buses to you. i wasted time, and effort, and energy, and love on someone who didn't deserve it, and that makes me feel used, and naive, and shamed.

i hate you. i hate you and how easily you moved on to call another woman "darling". i hate you and how easily you brushed off all the cruel things you said to me when you no longer wanted to be with me. i hate you and the fact that you made me love you, and i fell for everything you said and did.

i hate you because you played me, and i didn't see it coming.

i hate you because you proved i know no better.

i suppose i should thank you for the lesson, but until i find a man who is truly worthy of me, who passes all the tests i now know i should put him through, i think hate is the only emotion i will be feeling.

surprised

it amazes me how much more together i am than i thought i would be. it is all because of the cat.

snakes in the grass

darling, how can i explain to you?

i am not afraid of death. i do not feel as others do, the jerk of near deaths passing me by. all i have ever felt is glad that it was only near.

perhaps it is naive of me to say so: i, who have never been anywhere nearer real human death than the corpses of one grandfather i never met and another i barely knew.

it is only that i have seen the people who are left behind, and it is they who evoke my sympathy and pain and understanding. it is harder to be the one who doesn't move on.

i do worry. i do freak out. i worry that you will leave, while still alive; that all my shenanigans will not prove appealing enough to your wandering spirit. i fear i will lose you. (i, not you. i will lose.)

for all that i love you, my darling, almost all my concerns are purely selfish. how startling the thought! it makes me at once both ashamed and proud.