once upon a time it was easy to get the words out however cheesy and self-involved and entirely stupid they sounded. devoid of sense, because of course my own nonsense amused me, it fed me, it gave me anchors to which to tie myself and now i've lost all anchors because of one person and how is that even possible how is it? everybody knows and is that how you keep a secret, T? not a secret now, no, now everybody knows or suspects and wonders and you must be the subject of much behind-the-back-bitchiness but i don't care because he's not there and it's too much trouble to be anything but ordinary and empty and unconscious for fear i will feel more than i can possibly handle. i went looking in the old places, something i swore to myself i would never do with this one; but promises are hard to keep when you feel for someone so much of an "unwieldy beastie" and was i rude really was i? i was in so much pain and i did my best to ask you to help me out and you called me rude and broke my place again.
the answer.
all of it was true and has been true and the truth has been for months now months. i wish i could write the whole thing off it would be easier in the long run just another person i cared about and lost because i cross boundaries others draw in secret and never talk about in public but i don't want to you have no idea how much i don't want to and dare not and how will i ever feel this way again i am afraid that happiness i felt when you were around is out of my life forever and i couldn't stand that so i will wait now wait until you let me know which direction will cause me the most pain in the longest and most torturous manner possible so that i can choose that before i die.
perhaps i should just die. the fun in life might seem apparent to me then. :) a smile! i elicited one with suicide references o what is wrong with me?
i miss you, that's what's wrong.
and how?
how?
how?
how did you not know?
the answer.
all of it was true and has been true and the truth has been for months now months. i wish i could write the whole thing off it would be easier in the long run just another person i cared about and lost because i cross boundaries others draw in secret and never talk about in public but i don't want to you have no idea how much i don't want to and dare not and how will i ever feel this way again i am afraid that happiness i felt when you were around is out of my life forever and i couldn't stand that so i will wait now wait until you let me know which direction will cause me the most pain in the longest and most torturous manner possible so that i can choose that before i die.
perhaps i should just die. the fun in life might seem apparent to me then. :) a smile! i elicited one with suicide references o what is wrong with me?
i miss you, that's what's wrong.
and how?
how?
how?
how did you not know?
1 comment:
suicide is no solution (despite what ozzy might say)...perhaps you'd do well to indulge your reason more than emotions abt this. there is this very nice book called Island by A.H..the reading of which is in itself a reason to be alive and joyous.
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