dilemma

i want to be happy but i am only jealous
in a very grubby petty i-want-others-to-be-as-alone as i am way
especially of him
and her
him and her
that he has her and she has him
because they are right there on the edge of him and it hurts

if everybody i knew and cared about was single i think i would be perfectly happy
other people's love stories sicken me and make me want to die
this is jealousy
i would be fine if there were no love stories to compare my story to

why am i such a terrible selfish person
i should just kill myself and end the misery
at least it would not cost the world any more for my food and other items
though the surgeries would have been a waste

what is the point of worrying about consequences
and the waste of potential
and how much my parents invested
when nobody i want wants me back
it is not specifics but generalities which is good now
because now i don't need to talk to him only to myself
and i will probably get over him eventually
and maybe it will be today
but i still don't want to be alone
which is pathetic
but what can i do
i am truthful about my feelings and that is how i feel and of course
you don't want to hear it because you are not and you do not


what is the point of trying to write if i will only write in clichés
why doesn't he why don't they why won't he why won't they
and only think about him
and what i did and why he doesn't care
and why nobody sticks around
ever

what is the point
.
what
what is that