naïvete

this last weekend caught me off balance; i have not got my bearings yet.

i forget (because it is easy to forget) that people are complicated and can't be understood. and that people don't always say what they mean. i persist in believing this - i am smart, but i am "willfully naïve", don't you know.

i feel mildly ill, as though the floor has been pulled out from under my feet. i am not good with finding out that people think less-than-complimentary things of me.

i wish i had manuals.

"how to deal with people so that they either think good things of you, or don't think anything at all, or, if they do think bad things about you, they either tell you to your face or say nothing at all."

"the degree to which sexual desire drives the actions of men and what that means"

"how to talk to humans so they will listen and not bitch about you behind your back."

"how to prevent tiny upstarts from making disrespectful comments even if you do work for their mother who has apparently been telling tales of you at home."

"how to know if someone likes you or if they're just pretending."

"how not to sound like a lonely teenager."

quite frankly, i could do this all day; i have too much work to do, so i won't.

i just feel...as though everything i know is now a lie. i don't like that feeling.

i don't like being a fool.

:'( tears. how fucken embarrassing.

revisiting black kittens

suddenly my days are frighteningly devoid of panic and mayhem; i wander around with an idiotic grin on my face that invites inquisitive looks from strangers. i am busy and important and valued in more than one place; i have purpose and definition.

and still the thing that has me the most delirious is that old forgotten swooping falling feeling.

no fool like an old fool, but at least i go into this with eyes open?

no, no i don't. i am leaping into deep shoals without any protection whatsoever.

and i don't care, so there.

ex-boyfriend

when i think of you, i think in pain; i wish it for you and upon you and into you: physical and mental and emotional. i wish for you to lose the things you love; that they might leave you and desert you and let you down, as you have me. i wish your skank girlfriend dumps you, i wish your family disowns you, i wish your dog dies.

i wonder at how easily i stopped loving you, and at how hard it was to stop missing you. why is this? it means i needed you around for my sake, and not for yours. just as you wanted me around for your sake, and not for mine. i would have said we were well matched, except that i am the one who has come out of this alone and wondering at the lack of wonderful people, while you found someone to share your house and your bed in less than a month. if i were not too busy feeling stupid, i would feel betrayed.

i regret. i do not like that feeling; it is the worst feeling there is - it means i wasted time i could not have afforded to waste. i wasted time thinking about you, and writing about you, and writing to you, and travelling on buses to you. i wasted time, and effort, and energy, and love on someone who didn't deserve it, and that makes me feel used, and naive, and shamed.

i hate you. i hate you and how easily you moved on to call another woman "darling". i hate you and how easily you brushed off all the cruel things you said to me when you no longer wanted to be with me. i hate you and the fact that you made me love you, and i fell for everything you said and did.

i hate you because you played me, and i didn't see it coming.

i hate you because you proved i know no better.

i suppose i should thank you for the lesson, but until i find a man who is truly worthy of me, who passes all the tests i now know i should put him through, i think hate is the only emotion i will be feeling.

surprised

it amazes me how much more together i am than i thought i would be. it is all because of the cat.