Tuesday, June 24, 2008

an overwhelming urge to run away screaming

i thought i was fine with the idea. i was, i suppose. but now- not cool. very much not. not fine. if i spend a single instant actually thinking about it i think my brain will implode.
it feels so wrong. why does it? i'm not scared; just very very uncomfortable. very. un. comfortable. there is so little that makes me uncomfortable and here, here is one but MY GOD. and WHY MUST THERE BE

i can't think.
i can't breathe.
i need to tell them to stop looking.
i need to tell them.

what reason?
what reason?

how will i explain? the gut is a fool, isn't it? a fool?
but i'm so-

and Cat? i know now why you run from it so. i apologize. i had no idea.

Monday, June 23, 2008

the oddest things i remember

"*virtual hug*"
there is a pain in my heart where you are.

very pretty, upon my word.

a song lyric

i come undone at the corners - the brain has been giving up in all spheres in spectacular ways that leave me feeling retarded and mildly suicidal. the new pet theory is that so much mental effort is going into not being a depressed miserable wreck that it can no longer process simple processes such as the driving of motor vehicles and the management of money.

oooh, but there is an enormous part of me considering the possibility that i really am growing dumber duller stupider, in which case i will definitely kill myself. if i have enough mental capacity to figure out a simple and foolproof way to do it, anyhow.

oh, sigh. that email read so much better before it was sent. :(
p.s. i just learnt it means: "conqueror of all miseries". i suppose it only applies to the person who owns the name?

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

at a time

one step, one step, one day
one moment.

email visitation

There are too many things I want to tell you: little bits of sentences float around in my head, like: if you tell me exactly what you meant by "unresolved feelings", i could tell you if you were being "presumptious". funny - the fact that you misspelled a word made me sad that i couldn't point it out to you and smile about it.
(but you weren't. you weren't. of course you knew.)
i wish i knew exactly what i was feeling the most. anger? resentment? des- why, what is the noun for despise?
apparently it is "despisal". very ugly. i don't like it.

how uncommon.

My heart confuses me. I do not understand it: my heart.

Monday, June 16, 2008

oh, my dear

Did you mean: presumptuous ?

And why am I so incredibly scared to say anything?

Sunday, June 15, 2008


What's the use of writing long sensible letters in your head if you're NEVER GOING TO SEND THEM????


Thursday, June 12, 2008


I have a return to haunting.
I don't know why.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

not what i was here to write, actually

i hate how easy it is for another person to change how i'm feeling.

Friday, June 6, 2008

telephone updates

the importance of meaning. did you know i heard some pō’ĭ-trē today? it made me think of you (well, what doesn't, really?) and it made me want to read some myself.
sudden thought: the lines between the blogs are blurred again. what was it? "this is the subject; this is the object" and i feel, somehow somehow, that it is the same she who read that poem. i suppose a person is not really a person without blurred edges. i wish people with better feeling were reading those poems.

i went back and read old chat transcripts and missed you. i avoided doing that for a long time. reading transcripts. do you know why? because chat transcripts lie. they remind you of feelings you had that probably weren't really real and of times that were better and happier and not really real either. i did the reading after other people left and it was probably the worst idea possible.
the thing is - not everyone remembers the things i remember. about lost luggage and camels and missing hotel rooms and popcorn and gujarati food. i can't remember how i felt before. that is odd and disconcerting and not really a relief. scoping you out. i wonder why you said so many of the things you said. disapproved. did you? i wish i'd had the courage to ask - i wish i had it now.
i wonder sometimes if i really am as obscure as all that. maybe i can read signals that pass other by. maybe i only give that kind of signal, though in my head i'm singing it loud and clear.

things to say things to say. good coffee in the morning and song lyrics that will always remind me of you.

whatever you're trying isn't really working.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


and i don't have the courage to say a hello.