Saturday, February 2, 2008


disjoint bereft lost. he's gone. i think the words are gone. i fear they are; i fear the sentences won't come any more. i don't want to think curse, i don't, don't think it - it makes no sense. i think i'm miserable. i think i miss him - i think i lost a voice i had when he was around. how do i speak again? how will i? what will i say that i haven't already said a million times over? where is the person i thought i was? was she only someone i pretended to be for that time, like a pleasant friendly personality donned for the sake of making friendly?
read, someone says. read. reading is lovely. it is, isn't it? lovely. you need to find something you can read without associations. read without thinking read something to take your mind off things relax let go GET OUT.

i'm not ready to make new friends, i think.

Friday, February 1, 2008


I manage to get by, most of the time. The rest of the time I'm a miserable wreck, and I don't want to ascribe it to the one thing that makes sense. I can't think. I can't talk. I can't write - everything's in little pieces, and I miss you. I still haven't forgiven you. This makes for many conflicted thought processes, and the situations in the house don't help much.

It is awful to have no one to talk to.
I've never had no one to talk to.

People will listen
but I don't want them

I wish I could just cry and get it out of my system, but it won't go. Sits there quiet like a sad lump of clay and them jumps up and bites me when I think I'm over it.
My words are undone and limp
they don't make sense
they're ugly

when has anything i've written ever been ugly?
this is all your fault