little epiphanies

Do you ever push people away just to see if they will go?
And I'm thinking of the inadequacy of words and the qualities of silences and wishing for someone who will know better than to go when I tell them I don't need them around.
Someday.
:)

update

so i cried. how mature of me.
dammit!

better than none at all

You will always say the wrong thing, my dear. Best if you accept it now, before you blame yourself for all the unhappiness you cause. It isn't your fault, you know. Honesty does not care if egos are broken. If you will always apologize, it is easier for others to believe you are to blame.
How well you convince them!
And why, why, why can't you be bold about it, why? There is no shame in it, surely? Not understanding doesn't make you not enjoy. And you like what you like for no reason that you can point to, but there is a reason for all that.
Mistrusting ambiguity is your biggest fault.

perhaps a therapist

I've gone back to the fringes of my life, tired and ashamed and unconfident (this is not a word). I am scared, more than I have ever been; and I cannot find it in me to believe things will turn out well. I wish there were someone here I could ask, someone I could talk to, someone to believe in me. Too many people have believed in my potential unquestioningly, and now, when I am at my worst, I need someone to look at this mess I'm in and still believe. Who will do this? Nobody, because I'm not telling anybody.
You see the contradiction?
And just when I need them the most, none of them is here, not one. Not one. Not one. Though I call and call and call, not one.

Hurts.

soul mates

want one (1) number minimum.

et tu?

i miss you. won't you even ask how i'm doing?

liar

temporarily disconnected

not next week?

Why does she do this to me? Why do they do this to us? Why is it so hard to pin them down on any kind of schedule? Why do they pull us in and give us hope, only to crush it with a single word?
Oh, God, please let it not be true; oh please.
Oh please.

zero

Four and a half years. Will I always fail alone?

tentatively

but no moves!

the thought is this: if, then, else.
it is not my turn to play.

advice

block
him