Monday, November 1, 2010


this last weekend caught me off balance; i have not got my bearings yet.

i forget (because it is easy to forget) that people are complicated and can't be understood. and that people don't always say what they mean. i persist in believing this - i am smart, but i am "willfully naïve", don't you know.
i feel mildly ill, as though the floor has been pulled out from under my feet. i am not good with finding out that people think less-than-complimentary things of me.

i wish i had manuals.
"how to deal with people so that they either think good things of you, or don't think anything at all, or, if they do think bad things about you, they either tell you to your face or say nothing at all."
"the degree to which sexual desire drives the actions of men and what that means"
"how to talk to humans so they will listen and not bitch about you behind your back."
"how to prevent tiny upstarts from making disrespectful comments even if you do work for their mother who has apparently been telling tales of you at home."
"how to know if someone likes you or if they're just pretending."
"how not to sound like a lonely teenager."
quite frankly, i could do this all day; i have too much work to do, so i won't.

i just though everything i know is now a lie. i don't like that feeling.
i don't like being a fool.

:'( tears. how fucken embarrassing.