Friday, August 31, 2007


The urge right now is to write a lot of pointless emails. It's a very strong urge. I clamp down on it firm, like so. I say to myself, T, you will not email him; that would be entirely uninvited annoyance. I say to myself, T, there is no reason for you to behave in this childish and attention-seeking manner. I say to myself, T, there is a reason he is not talking to you, and you will not die if you do not find out what the reason is.
I say to myself, and I recall other pointless emails and a Santa promise and I am very close to tears. (this is the point at which I say, Ha! And what else is new?)

It strikes me as odd that even the familiarity of the repetitions never seems to lessen the ache in the stomach the least bit. Did you know I used to write messages couched in stupid poems the first time around? One of those poems, it won me a prize.
Is there a better use to put misery to? I doubt it.

Fun fact: Angst is synonymous with anxiety.
I wish he were here. I wish he were here.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


I want to be able to shrug it off. I did for a while, didn't I? I did. I have been sounding more and more mature and grown-up every moment. and then I read Eve's diary and I'm pining again.
No matter. They all found somebody else, after. Likely I will too.
My tummy hurts, though. I wish he were here.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

gone case

you cannot cannot cannot say "will you be around later" and then blow me off.


it is a true

Here is the question - how much do I want this to be special and unique and permanent?
sigh. I do very badly.
It's just that - haven't I done this already? Haven't I been premature about all the other ones as well?
Dear you, it annoys me how often you are in my head. Dear you, it annoys me that I cannot just come out and say I miss you. Dear you, I worry I don't care about you at all. If it is this easy to feel for someone, does that mean the feelings are less acceptable?

I fancy his maaind. :) I can deny it as much as I want, but it is a true.
Oh, well.
Time will tell.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

disconnected out of town

With emails to send and calls to make and plans to finalize.
I'm worried about a wedding I'm attending.
I was invited, see? Only I've met neither bride nor groom and I'm terrified of fraud-feelings. The only thing worse than not knowing anyone at a place is knowing people only well enough to be left out of every story. I'm such a pathetic excuse for a social animal.
And people are all going to be unreachable and I'm so unhappy. Why?

Dear you
Wouldn't it be awful if you woke up one morning and realized that somewhere along the way you gave up all your grand plans and decided that no prize was worth the effort required? Wouldn't it be awful to wake up one morning with a recollection of the first expectations you ever had from yourself and discover just how much you have forgiven yourself since then?
The question is, is contentment happiness, or isn't it?
I don't like being a forgettable person. That's what I am, though. i am ordinary and mundane and entirely forgettable.
Except for the personality, but that doesn't count, now, does it?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

whatever was it?

Baby mustn't send me such messages.
One tends to blush and giggle and generally cause others around to ask what it is that one is reading. :)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

song titles

In what world do I mean anything at all to him?
It is folly to imagine there is nobody more important.

And it hurts too much.

Friday, August 10, 2007


Wasn't supposed to. The last time this happened I managed, no? And nothing had gone wrong. Why must I insist on peopling all imagination with sad scenarios where it's all my fault? :(
I missss.
I don't want to have scared him away. This is a hard admission to make, because I was so sure, so sure, that this time I'd managed to avoid the more insane parts of the attachments, but turns out not so much. I've been pretending cool detachment, but it doesn't work so well.
It does help my cause that the other person does not care one way or another. This is a good thing, I think.

Don't worry. Don't worry. Everything will be fine. It will. It will. :)
I believe it.


Thursday, August 9, 2007

say it isn't so

Please not?
I thought I was being sensible! What happened to sensible?
I want chocolate. :(

A weekend away from the computer, it will do me good, yes.

will you tell?

I want to say I'm smarter. Ooh, I do, really. But it's past midnight, and I cannot look myself in the face without sheepishness. I do have zero expectations. Is that a good thing?
I am not
a. Acting coy
b. Lying
c. Taking advice
d. Enacting imaginary scenarios in the head as with previous people. Nothing above PG-13 rated, anyway. :)

Sigh. :) He is a nice. What happens later?