remember

reckless. reckless with my heart.
still, the t follows footprints. she will fall down a hole very soon.

with some low self-esteem

I forget, sometimes, that he likes wandering around commenting on other people's blogs. If I had remembered, it might not have affected me exactly the way it did. I speculate, however; the truth is that it affected me badly enough that I regressed three whole months to Christmas.
Oh, dear.
Oh dear.
(Which one is the one I mean? One wishes one knew English grammar officially. One likes the sound "one" makes in one's head.)

I'm so tempted to reach out again. Even if it is just to ask how he is doing, or what he's doing - or to talk about my sad little life, like in the old days. I know how much I want this, and I am almost certain that it is just exactly the reason I must not...
New acquaintances have been sowing seeds of perspective in the opposite direction, and it has been unpleasant and discouraging. It is hard to cope with a truth that convinces you that nothing you can say or do can ever change the circumstances, isn't it? Very bleak. How stubborn and insurmountable other humans are, sometimes.

Oh, I wish so much.
Question: would I be feeling this way if I hadn't been by?
Answer:

But everyone knows the answer to a question like that.

borrowed with apologies that i haven't given yet

I admire people who have the courage to search for themselves, to continue to search for themselves even if it means displaying an aspect to the world that's hesitant, nebulous. Who believe in being true to themselves, who believe that there's such a thing as being true to oneself. Who are prepared to stand up for what they believe in, but are never entirely comfortable in certainties. Because doubt is what carries us forward - there are time when we must fail, we must revise. Who are considerate and empathetic, never seek dominion over their fellow beings. But know their own place in the world, and are not afraid to assert it; it is wrong to believe one is entitled, but also irresponsible to believe one is nothing at all. The strength that is given us, we must use. In the service of hope, belief, optimism, art, beauty, love, loyalty, conscience - whatever is a principle, and stays with us though we continue to question it and strive to see it for what it truly is.

I admire people who are not abandoned to the heart, but see also the power of the intellect. Who see words and ideas as things in and of themselves, demanding respect, demanding attention. But do not see them as tokens of power, to be used as weapons against those who do not possess them... They are meant to be corrective, to be used against power and authority.To bring us to a new understanding, where we know ourselves and therefore know that we need not remain prisoners of fear or of circumstance. And then to something beyond understanding...

I admire people who are open to the world. Who allow themselves to be touched by people, and are not afraid to influence in turn. Who recognize that honesty may bring pain, but lack of honesty will cut even deeper. Who keep their power to trust after having been betrayed, but whose wounds give a new knowledge that must be used. Who are capable of forgiveness, or of repentance, as the case may be. Who know the meaning of gratitude, of being grateful as well as being gracious enough to accept gratitude.

I admire people who believe the world can be changed for the better, and who act on that belief. Who are not ashamed to change it in small ways... Who do not take the burden of the world upon themselves, because to do so is to hinder action. Who allow that the world is larger than themselves, is not there to be feared or battled, but to be inhabited. Who have an idea of their place in the world, and an idea of how to achieve that place. And a way of getting from ideas to reality...


It's a wonder that I'm not continually exhausted from admiring people, is it not. :)







Nov 10, 2006. It is a very old letter.

if there were a shooting star

I wish I didn't always need a reason for why someone goes away.

the easier emotion

Anger is easier to deal with than sadness - mainly because you can channel it somewhere if you try. Sadness just turns around in on yourself, and then what?

One never wished to hate him, but one almost does. Almost.
It does not taste very pleasant.

Apparently I will not talk any more. This is terrible, because I used to talk well, once. I interested myself. Now I'm silent and dull. This bothers me.
I'm no longer pining. This bothers me, too.

"It made me feel sad for you."
Why does that sentence simply make me want to hit him?

"etc."

even weekends away with pleasant distractions don't solve it.