Sunday, August 27, 2006

polite conversations

Some people I can't feel comfortable with. Lots of people, really; but essentially belonging to a few broad stereotypes. It's been a while since I used that word, incidentally.
I can't be comfortable with people around whom I have to keep a close watch over the things I say - either because they will misunderstand, or malign, or mistake. I hate having to stop before I speak and think before I leap and unmix my metaphors before they fly. And this is why I like people who make things easy. So many things in life are hard already, why make human interaction one of them? Why despise what is easily got? Why believe only in the hard-won? Certainly there is something grander about things you have worked hard to get, but shouldn't you appreciate the things you get easily just as much? Who knows?
Probably I won't. It was just a passing thought, anyway.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

many pains

just because you know something doesn't mean your head believes it.
i need something to get my mind off it soon.
soon soon soon.
the stomach clenching is not a happy state to be in, i'm in it far too often for my liking, and i am getting indescribably tired of having to deal all the time.
suddenly standards seem unnecessarily high, and i fear i'll say yes where i shouldn't.
being a human is hard.

Monday, August 21, 2006

dead dogs

strange dream. must have been all the starch. i worry a bit. two hours. mornings are good, pie.
all my loves. why can i not see anything? *sigh*. she avoids me. why does she? or is it just my imagination? essays. peaches. i want to say "i love you" to someone. i can just hear it. i want someone to say it like that to me.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

oh, but the pleasure's mine

Mao Tse Tung is like a Morrissey album - cute and full of students.
Now. I have been realizing a few more things of late. Not all are pleasant, but all are interesting. I think I have a rather strong effect on people. Also, apparently, reading the blog means a person gets enough information to push all my buttons, as proved by Vinodhini. Hmmm. I am inclined to be more flattered than otherwise over that particular situation.
Dance is fookin sexy. I will learn. I think I can. Just need a little dedication. Which I will find somehow. Plans must be made.
In other news, two have begun to worry me, one is beginning to put me at ease and one is a jolly joy. Not safe to think of them as pets. All clichés are relevant.

Long morning conversations. Questionable topics. songs, laughter, poetry, sunsets
the way people move and walk and smile and laugh
the sound of voices
I am old. It's a strange set of feelings. Also very very familiar.
Also discovered this:
- Being in charge is a royal pain in the ass
- I miss being in charge
I am a queen bee, I am a drama queen, I am a star. I think I like you, miss.

If I meet myself, I would like to say : Thank you. It was a pleasure to be you.
Because it has been.

Saturday, August 19, 2006



shit shit shit. I don't wanna be a cliche. Help me, someone?

Thursday, August 17, 2006


it shouldn't be so easy to love people.
it shouldn't be so easy to drive them away.
people suck.
i am an idiot.
i wantahug. gimme.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006


and it's now that i really really need it.
how will i? cannot tell, and cannot think, and it's all so bloody WRONG. I know, in my head, how messy it would have gotten. I know, logically, how unsuited we were. I know, when i think about it, that i did all the right things.
I know this, and still, there is a little part that will revisit the whole bloody thing, over and over all apurpose, just to see if the pain is still around.
and it always is.
with all of them. two of them. only two? only two. actually, just the one. the other has faded. as will this. i want it to, i do. sort of almost not quite. am i so unworthy? must i do this every second day?
here is the big big secret, my dear: i've always known what it was to be in love. what i never knew is what it felt like to be the one on the other side.

Friday, August 11, 2006


fixes. i hurt. they hurt. we hurt. i fix. they fix.

i don't know if this is good or bad for me. people get better. so it's good overall. what i want to know is, is this gift or punishment?

hmm. capitals, spellings, grammar. but never the apostrophes. for what is life sans apostrophe?

Thursday, August 10, 2006

irresistible me

i've been an "at least" person.
lately i've begun to feel it isn't exactly the best way to go about it.
that's as far as i've gotten.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006


Felt sexy today. Ooh, to put that down in cold blood! Why do I not have a person? Rrrawr hiss. Cattish, I've been, certainly. Today was a delicious, in spite of. And because of :D.
The silver lining is being rather forcibly brought to mind, but there is a silver lining nonetheless. Um, the jew is worth it, yes because of :D Ah, I play it deep, deep, my dear! What price love? Not for sale. And a present grawr. no and no and no. Fingers itch.

Who knew I was so desirable? Not I.
The most interesting girl in class, no less; but I take what I want out of it. Growing up, growing old, growing cold? I am still happy, and today I was high high high. All my people. I am wanted and courted and wooed, and in spite of no, I am happy, love.
So precious.

how do you spell irony?

lack of follow-through, and it's my biggest scam till date. not the least because i've fallen for it myself. dishwalla. teachers. promises. integrity. earnestness. shame. shame. shame.

Sunday, August 6, 2006


i cannot let it go. and it really means nothing. does it? strange offers. and allusions. and intrigue. little hums. and i cannot make up my mind yet. more and more and more, and none perfect. but i never wanted perfection. i just wanted broken that i could fix.
this deserves a pome, i bleeve.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006


here is a surprise.
too many and too diverse and all of it is only reaction to action. for each a role, and all the parts i play sit uncomfortably. if there was really one, just one, one only alone; then i would rest easy.

in silence i am myself.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

midget in a beansprout

"The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed."