the folder on the desktop

it says "boys for t", and i can't remember if i named it that or someone else did. surely it is the sort of thing i would remember?, she asks. i don't want to be looking at profiles of good indian boys looking for a life partner. i don't want anybody but you. there, i said it. sure, i'm stupid, and crazy, and that's possibly the worst idea i've ever had - wanting someone i've never seen, met or spoken to. and my sister asked about you, she said what about him, and i regret that everyone knows everyone knows everyone knows.
(it's not a pure saying, but it's true)

oh, woe. in a year i will be settled with a husband and a house and all my regrets. what will you have?

a birthday

it is yours, hurrah!

calculator!

12:52 AM, Fri, Dec 14, 2007

I make it approximately 159,4,0.
When does it end?

like the sunshine

i like that the word still has more than one meaning. as does the word miss. they are words that pass through my mind more often now than previously, i think. i begin to lose my grip over this language that i love so much: i'm growing nit-picky and predictable, with no words left to express the way i feel about anything.
it is only wonderful to use simple words if you do it despite knowing words of five syllables, surely?
i don't think i know any words of five syllables.


i meet new people every weekend. three people this week i spoke to or saw whom i had never met or heard before. and it meant nothing to me because i could not share it.
it's hard to feel this way all the time. it's hard to go to bed now and realize that tomorrow is the beginning of another week in my life and you won't be there just as you haven't been there all this time.
it's hard when there is nobody to talk to about this and nobody with impersonal advice to give and nobody who will do me the favour of kicking me in the head and telling me you're not worth any of this. funnily enough, i never manage to believe it when i say it myself.

still for you; still for you.
like the title says.

when will it get easier?

once upon a time it was easy to get the words out however cheesy and self-involved and entirely stupid they sounded. devoid of sense, because of course my own nonsense amused me, it fed me, it gave me anchors to which to tie myself and now i've lost all anchors because of one person and how is that even possible how is it? everybody knows and is that how you keep a secret, T? not a secret now, no, now everybody knows or suspects and wonders and you must be the subject of much behind-the-back-bitchiness but i don't care because he's not there and it's too much trouble to be anything but ordinary and empty and unconscious for fear i will feel more than i can possibly handle. i went looking in the old places, something i swore to myself i would never do with this one; but promises are hard to keep when you feel for someone so much of an "unwieldy beastie" and was i rude really was i? i was in so much pain and i did my best to ask you to help me out and you called me rude and broke my place again.
the answer.
all of it was true and has been true and the truth has been for months now months. i wish i could write the whole thing off it would be easier in the long run just another person i cared about and lost because i cross boundaries others draw in secret and never talk about in public but i don't want to you have no idea how much i don't want to and dare not and how will i ever feel this way again i am afraid that happiness i felt when you were around is out of my life forever and i couldn't stand that so i will wait now wait until you let me know which direction will cause me the most pain in the longest and most torturous manner possible so that i can choose that before i die.
perhaps i should just die. the fun in life might seem apparent to me then. :) a smile! i elicited one with suicide references o what is wrong with me?

i miss you, that's what's wrong.
and how?
how?
how?
how did you not know?

ego tripped-and-fell

Was I so forgettable, then?