so badly.

Oh, my T. What are you doing?
Lost it.
It isn't as if there is anything there, you know. You know. Why do you persist in making your life miserable to be a part of?

Write me a Pink Floyd lyric and tear my head apart.
Alas, my dearest Augustine. All is gone, gone, gone.

oh, lewis

.


why are you never around when I want you to be?

secret songinthehead

Please give me a second grace
Please give me a second face
I've fallen far down
The first time around
Now I just sit on the ground in your way

Now if it's time to recompense for what's done
Come, come sit down on the fence in the sun
And the clouds will roll by
And we'll never deny
It's really too hard for to fly.

Please tell me your second name
Please play me your second game
I've fallen so far
For the people you are
I just need your star for a day.

So come, come ride in my my street-car by the bay
For now I must know how fine you are in your way
And the sea sure as I
But she won't need to cry
For it's really too hard for to fly.

beautiful all the way down

here is my indifference. it never manages to last as long as i need it to.
be here now?

well, what *did* you expect?

but!
on my birthday.
:(

why make me beg?

it makes me seem so much more desperate than i am...

subjunctive cases

i've been meaning to be good. i know how to be good. i just cannot bring myself to it. why does wisdom not come with the desire to apply it? i'm sorry. i'm sorry i push you. i'm sorry i pull you. i'm sorry i show you that i need you. i wish i cared less. i wish i were indifferent. i wish i didn't attach myself to people - stuck like a limpet until cut loose forcibly, stupid woman, didn't you see it coming? but i'm not unhappy all the time. not even melancholy - it's just the humours that make it seem so. you made me happy, once. that was when it was accidental. i was happy and carefree and you were not important to me at all... and now you are, and that's the end. now i'm lost, lost and i wish i weren't. i wish it were easy to not care. i wish it were possible to be self-contained, to truly need nobody - but it isn't. i need you. i need them. i need someone. needy, clingy; funny. i know all this. i knew this ten years ago, when i was thirteen and perhaps no less mature.
if i had more to offer, would there be a person who would give me what i wanted to have?

away for the weekend?

:(

out of ways to say what i want to

ummph. the mind speaks to itself in guttural non-words. there's a letter out there somewhere that has been over four weeks in the receiving. i sent a raspberry that mortified and now i am back to being most thoroughly confused. i wish... but he will not hear.
i have a clench in the stomach - i know what that means. it is all only reaction. i shall go do some mathematics now.

"it's mostly not your fault"

Truth above all else.

It is my fault, but only in part. Who has ever said that before?
I feel happier than I should. Why is this? Because there were no evasions, that's why.
Thank you. You make me smile. :)

almost december

Do you stay away on purpose? It works well: I am learning to spend a day without thinking of you for more than half of it. I do not know whether this is a development I should be happy for; I've had too much fun with you in my head. There are too many people aching at this moment. If I had my way I'd send them all purring cats on laps.
Look, ma - I know how to use the subjunctive!

Of course she's right. I've always known that. I've always known a very fair number of things. The knowing does not seem to prevent me from doing stupid things, however. This is the tragedy.

if i promised not to think about the persons who might be reading this page, could i return to the honesty it began with? dear one, there was never any honesty in a single thing you did - why think to start now? i hate that everything i do is seen from the outside and inside and sideways simultaneously. is this a conversation with self, then? :) you do strange things, my tee.
is simplicity such a crime?

i miss you. i shouldn't, but i do. i miss you less fervently today than i did two weeks ago, but i've been missing you months and months - did you know? i pretend this is something special and unique. but i pretend too well to trust a thing i tell myself. i will pretend to believe it this once: belief is something i do not think i can do very well without. it strikes me as funny, the little of you i apparently am willing to settle for. there are so many things i want to talk to you about, and all i want - really, really, all i want - is just that moment in time when i have your undivided attention.
i miss you. do you see now?

Miss. How pretty it is when one word means so many things.
Poor misstee. What will she do when there is no one left to set her heart on?