dilemma

i want to be happy but i am only jealous
in a very grubby petty i-want-others-to-be-as-alone as i am way
especially of him
and her
him and her
that he has her and she has him
because they are right there on the edge of him and it hurts

if everybody i knew and cared about was single i think i would be perfectly happy
other people's love stories sicken me and make me want to die
this is jealousy
i would be fine if there were no love stories to compare my story to

why am i such a terrible selfish person
i should just kill myself and end the misery
at least it would not cost the world any more for my food and other items
though the surgeries would have been a waste

what is the point of worrying about consequences
and the waste of potential
and how much my parents invested
when nobody i want wants me back
it is not specifics but generalities which is good now
because now i don't need to talk to him only to myself
and i will probably get over him eventually
and maybe it will be today
but i still don't want to be alone
which is pathetic
but what can i do
i am truthful about my feelings and that is how i feel and of course
you don't want to hear it because you are not and you do not


what is the point of trying to write if i will only write in clichés
why doesn't he why don't they why won't he why won't they
and only think about him
and what i did and why he doesn't care
and why nobody sticks around
ever

what is the point
.
what
what is that

great big disease

mornings are the worst time. enormous nameless faceless feelings and a large helping of weeping. how attractive, my dear. let it go let it go why can't i?

how i feel is hanging in this great big vacuum with no boundaries and every time i look at it, it has expanded to fill just a little more space and if you would only draw me a box of how you feel, however small it is, i will shrink myself to fit inside, and lock it up, and throw away the key. and then perhaps i will be
(not fine but)
better.

the way we were

can't do it. can't let go, can't get out. how much longer is this going to take? she said, two years; and she was as old as i am now. i can't do this for two years - i have not even the requisite anger to see me through. i don't feel anything i can name: not old, or tired, or lonely, or miserable, or angry. i feel only that i need to talk to him. it is the sum total of how i feel. why am i so single-minded about it? why can't i just do what is sensible and healthy and satisfying to the ego? because i have none.
sigh, oh.

the right decision

'A jerk—of a jerk—to a jerk—a jerk—O jerk!'

'thanks and goodbye' was the right phrase, i think. thanks for all the before. goodbye for all the after. really, i don't know why i ever put up with that crap except for the very simple standard usual oh-of-course reason. i have made a decision, and now all i require is a great deal of determination and a willingness to believe that it does not matter to me even if the person i'm no longer going to speak to doesn't know it. and will not. or why.
i make no sense. must i make sense? yes, so i will remember the lessons later. here are the lessons:

1. i will not let somebody, even if i will insist on remembering them in better circumstances, treat me as though i am stupid, immature, or incapable of being rational.
2. i will not let myself pine over happier times that the other person involved in obviously does not remember or does not think important, meaningful or special in any way.
   
3. i will not allow myself to hope for better when all i get from a person is a very cold shoulder.
4. i will not be the victim. will not, will not, will not. victims are meant only as objects of derision.
5. i will not not not push my anger away simply because i love somebody.
   

bastard. you damned bastard. how dared you treat me this way?

no one

"...of the two I generally prefer reading..."

Some space, and some time, and very much patience. Oh, my dearest dear, can you manage any of it? Yes, and yes, because I dare not let myself be a miserable toad any longer than I must if I can possibly help it. The weather grows grey and large and full of threatening symbols but I will not fall I will not fail my T is better better worth more than that.

And now I will curl up in warm corners to be a happy sleeping bug. Yes, I shall.

i will know

on the day that he is not the first person i think of when i wake up.

closure.

please let this be the last time i cry over you.

bonus material

dude, seriously. what else do you want now? yes, i know. i know you miss him and i know you're over him and of course the two are perfectly compatible because in T's world there are no preconceived notions, but seriously, dude.
i wish there were a way to talk sense into myself because i'm NOT FINE and I need to be fine as soon as humanly possible. seven months is a long time to carry something around inside you, isn't it? isn't it? i'm so tired. i'm so.
ugh ugh WHY WHY WHY DO YOU STILL NEED HIM AROUND WHY.

i don't know what else i can do. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. i repeat myself and repeat myself and nothing helps nothing can because i can't figure this out on my own and there is nobody here to help me clean up my messes.

my heart is reeling

well, you know, it really is. i feel sad and regretful and strangely...old. strong urges to discuss this with someone are tempered by the fact that i'd have to explain two hundred thousand preceding thoughts-events-conversations that led to this point and i'm not sure i can.
(here, (but not for the first time) understand the appeal of therapists. i mean, someone who knows all about you and to whom you can talk about the big-new-thing in your life without explaining? i'd pay for that.)

was it something she said? i didn't think so, at the time. now i think little motes of someone else's opinions might affect you more than you'd expect them to. or be prepared for them to. even if you dismiss them as opinions of someone who doesn't really know.
(here, understand the importance of gossip and hearsay as key elements to generic opinion-forming. have i had the short end of the stick before? sure. but has somebody's point of view from the other side corresponded to opinions of people who've only heard your side? yes. see? the power of multiple opinions.)

funny. i'm over somebody and i don't really care if he knows it. that's new. it happened calmly and quietly and unexpectedly and i'm still not wholly certain it's happened. it hasn't stopped the other thoughts, but the one great big thought has gone.
i feel mature and adult-like, and that realization was the one that made me the saddest.

my inner wild child reproaches me.

i will if i want to

although it is hard in every way.

awful scary coincidences

sure and coincidences can be amusing, oh yes. that's when they're happy coincidences that have to do with girls named johnnie but what of the other coincidences, eh? the ones where you spend an entire morning unable to pray because you are prey (i know, i know, it's almost as good as the virtual vicinity!) to all sorts of maudlin fancies and you cannot cannot cannot get through more than a single minute without wanting to fall off comething very very tall and then excuse me here is a surprise for you and did you know when you were thinking this in the morning that the evening would bring a surprise like this? i thought not.

i'm very very very tired because i have slept two hours in two days and I have work to do the whole of tonight but i am not dead, and i am not suicidal and i am not likely to be either very soon barring unsightly accidents.

*sigh*

refuse to be refuse to be refuse to be hopeful about anything.

can't stop checking

"he is walking away because he knows how you feel."
i knew that.

aah. i miss you and it hurts.

painfully

oh. i did want him to win so badly. i hope you know that. i hope you do. it was the first time i watched a match wanting someone to win. and so badly. no, really. i watch sports to watch people play, and at the end of a match i think, well! weren't they splendid? and this time i thought, can he win? can he? and i know i thought he couldn't but can he? please? and why did i say "i don't think he will?" why did i say that? in such poor taste and no wonder he hates me hates me hates me. but of course none of that is important because it is over and done with and now i am retiring from the ranks, as i promised myself i would.
i watched, thinking of you. how could i not? (during the rain break they spoke of Fabrice)
i watched and wondered how you were watching. and where. was it curled up in a great armchair? are there armchairs where you are? i wondered if you were working, if you ever worked while you watched or if that was sacrilege and how could you possibly. and i wondered what you were eating, and if you were, and what you were drinking, and if you were, and if you were thinking about what i'd said because it was in such poor taste and how *dare* she think he might not win? and whether you said things out loud while you were watching, like "Come on" and "Go" and "You can do it"; whether you do.


Oh dear. It is done, dear; all done. I will not bother you again.
God bless.

although it breaks my heart

you did well, kiddo.
baby steps.

how it changes

there is a different calculation to make now, and a different spot on the map to stare at. hours: -4.5; (remember the daylight savings!) and a city much closer to home.
such desperately pathetic behaviour...

not a love song

your name still stops me in my tracks sometimes.
201 days, 2 hours, 5 minutes and 58 seconds since Friday, December 14, 2007 at 12:52:00 AM

weekends not away

my very bones are crying.