There's so much I want to tell them, both of them and each of them. But as always, I worry that whatever I think today won't be what I think tomorrow. That is the biggest reason I don't talk about my feelings about people. I never know how I will feel about someone the next day. I seem to treat all people the same. Exactly the same. That is morbid.
I can safely say I love them. I can say that, can't I?
I'm not ashamed to say it, am I?
No, on the whole, I think not. I love them. I want them to know that, too. That's a step in the right direction. The willingness to give someone my heart.
It is excruciating to see how slowly I grow up. It is also frustrating at how easily I'm swayed by an idea. Someone says this is how you are, and immediately, I see their point, and I agree; and then I take a minute to analyze, and I find a million points on which they missed the point, and a million things about me they don't know that would change their judgement. That's why I reserve judgement always. I can't make up my mind if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Is it good to always want to understand everyone's motives for everything? I don't mean second guessing them, I only mean understanding the underlying motive. Finding out what makes a person tick. How their mind works. Who they are.
And then there's my goddamn ego. The more a person thinks of me, the more I think of them. I realized when I first discovered this tendency that it sounds suspiciously like Atlas Shrugged, but it wasn't intentional, oh god I hope not.
Here is the situation, then.
Someone
tells me nice things about me
and I promptly fall in love with them
and I anticipate painful endings
and when the ending gets there I congratulate myself that at least, oh at least, I didn't get as hurt as I could have
that is pretty much the general scenario
A pretty picture, that. Now, whenever I meet anyone new, male or female, I wait to see what they think of me, and I cover all bases to make sure they think I think less of them than I do, just so that I have an ace up my sleeve. It would be better if I knew what exactly I thought of people. Wait, scratch that. What I feel for people. Because in my most honest moments, I have to admit that I love almost everyone I know. And I love nobody. And if everyone I cared about were to suddenly to drop stone cold dead, I wouldn't mourn them very long in my secret heart. There is no one indispensable to my life. Not even her, though she comes oh, close so close, closer than he did even.
So here's what I think. I think there is a plan. I think I'm changing. Slowly slowly oh very very slowly, but it's happening. It is.
So I will wait it out.
I wonder why people don't realize how much it takes to make a person. Well, maybe they do realize it, maybe they're just not really listening. Empathy empathy. I should be on the stage.
I can safely say I love them. I can say that, can't I?
I'm not ashamed to say it, am I?
No, on the whole, I think not. I love them. I want them to know that, too. That's a step in the right direction. The willingness to give someone my heart.
It is excruciating to see how slowly I grow up. It is also frustrating at how easily I'm swayed by an idea. Someone says this is how you are, and immediately, I see their point, and I agree; and then I take a minute to analyze, and I find a million points on which they missed the point, and a million things about me they don't know that would change their judgement. That's why I reserve judgement always. I can't make up my mind if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Is it good to always want to understand everyone's motives for everything? I don't mean second guessing them, I only mean understanding the underlying motive. Finding out what makes a person tick. How their mind works. Who they are.
And then there's my goddamn ego. The more a person thinks of me, the more I think of them. I realized when I first discovered this tendency that it sounds suspiciously like Atlas Shrugged, but it wasn't intentional, oh god I hope not.
Here is the situation, then.
Someone
tells me nice things about me
and I promptly fall in love with them
and I anticipate painful endings
and when the ending gets there I congratulate myself that at least, oh at least, I didn't get as hurt as I could have
that is pretty much the general scenario
A pretty picture, that. Now, whenever I meet anyone new, male or female, I wait to see what they think of me, and I cover all bases to make sure they think I think less of them than I do, just so that I have an ace up my sleeve. It would be better if I knew what exactly I thought of people. Wait, scratch that. What I feel for people. Because in my most honest moments, I have to admit that I love almost everyone I know. And I love nobody. And if everyone I cared about were to suddenly to drop stone cold dead, I wouldn't mourn them very long in my secret heart. There is no one indispensable to my life. Not even her, though she comes oh, close so close, closer than he did even.
So here's what I think. I think there is a plan. I think I'm changing. Slowly slowly oh very very slowly, but it's happening. It is.
So I will wait it out.
I wonder why people don't realize how much it takes to make a person. Well, maybe they do realize it, maybe they're just not really listening. Empathy empathy. I should be on the stage.
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