ouch

Is it even legal to feel this way?

accusations

Once I thought we were friends. I thought there was something we had that we'd never lose, that would always remind us of the things we'd shared. I thought all the things you told me meant you cared, but I was wrong.
You did not love me or trust me enough to say, "Baby, I'm falling in love with your best friend. Isn't it fabulous?"
And all the little words that might have made it better I had to tell myself because you didn't (or couldn't, or wouldn't) - that you would always care, that you would always be there; that you loved me no less because you loved her more.
And all these things I told myself, and all these things I told myself, through all the lonely nights when I felt alone and rejected and forgotten; and it took me all I had to do what you could have done with just the least of your time and effort and concern.
You pretended nothing had changed. Did you care so little for me that you could not share what you were going through? Did you have such a low opinion of me that you could not trust me with your life? And all that time I thought I'd done something wrong, ah me, oh my, silly little self-centred always about me. And you told me nothing, gave me nothing; just tossed out some empty sentences with nothing behind them - sops to the dog.
And you never thought that I would be better off knowing whatever was going on; rather than stuck behind your stupid chinese walls. And you never gave a second thought to anything I might be thinking of or going through; and you left me confused and hurt and blaming myself. And for that I have not forgiven; and I have not forgotten.

Is everyone who hurts me going to pretend they didn't?

maggi hot & sweet tomato chili sauce

Is it?
Oh, but I want it to be. It's so easy. Everything about is easier. But does that mean it's any better? Am I smarter in any way at all? Or is it back to the old cycle circles? Is that the most important thing? Guilt and shame. And still I smile. What does that say about me? What does that say about anybody involved? I will. I shall. I have confidence the world can all be mine, oh help. But I still will.

Too many words that I am still scared to say out loud. I'm not that much better after all, oh.

101

Missed the century.

It seems as though it has been far too long since the last time I sat down with my doubts and had one of our little chats. Suddenly they've come around knocking again, and they know where the spare key is hidden. So I turn around and suddenly they're making themselves at home, and I'm stuck with the old shivers once more. Little things no longer satisfy.

My teeth have been singing today. How shameful to have a talent you do not care to exploit. And how disgraceful to ignore the advice of those who love you because following it is an inconvenience. Is there nothing you would do? No grand plan, desire? Is there nothing you would work your fingers to the bone for?
Oh, you lazy, lazy fool. Is this what you call a life?
I don't think I like you all that much.


In other thoughts, how long can I go? It must be seen.

visitors

And this makes five. Two invited, three not. And how many of them ever do stop by? I promised her I wouldn't self-edit. Must I promise myself the same? I don't think so, Tim. This page is obscure enough as is, and if people know what I mean, there's only joy in it.

Smiling every day. Is it better than the madness before? Re-reading the old is a trip and a half. Was I really that unhappy?
Apparently I fixed me somewhere along the way.
Am I better in any way at all? I'm certainly happier. That's important, surely?

He should learn to ping. I refuse to be the one every time.
And is there a scale? Poor baby. Isn't it enough to know someone cares?
:) I echo myself.

dammit dammit dammit

come online.
idiot.
letters are no good at all.


What does it mean when everything else feels like a waste of time?

not titled

sweet-heart

done

vestiges discarded.
I feel good :)


Now all that's making my life miserable is the work.
As is appropriate.
*sigh* I hate architecture.

déjà vu

It's past two in the morning and I'm waiting for people again.
What i can see, though, is that the action is the same, the same, the same; but the feeling is different. I feel older. Wiser. Less susceptible. Less vulnerable.

A drive in peak traffic with four hyper-active sixteen-year-olds. Chinese chop-suey.
Styx yesterday.
My days are strange.

I want some.
But much less this time.
Very good.


Some cheesecake would be nice.

refusal

How strange it is that I will go to any lenghts to ignore all signs. It's tragic and so human I want to scream. Are we all the same, then? I want something special about me.
Besides the fact that I have a nice speaking voice over the phone and that I'm rather pleasant conversation.
Hm. Are those enough to get by?

shy

I wish I had the gumption to put myself forward when i need to.
I wish everything didn't end with me having to say oh you stupid, stupid girl.
I need more self-confidence. And some more ego. That shows.

i want to sing this

Lay me down gently, lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know.
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

In this big world I'm lonely, for I am but small,
Oh angels in heaven, don't you care for me at all?
You heard my heart breaking for it rang through the skies,
So why won't you sing me lullabies,
Oh why won't you sing me lullabies.

I lay here; I'm weeping for the stars they have come,
I lay here not sleeping; now the long night has begun.
The man in the moon, oh he can't help but cry,
For there's no one to sing me lullabies,
Oh there's no one to sing me lullabies.

So lay me down gently, oh lay me down low,
I fear I am broken and won't mend, I know .
One thing I ask when the stars light the skies,
Who now will sing me lullabies,
Oh who now will sing me lullabies.

Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep
Who will sing me to sleep


ooh, ooh. how infintely lovely. i am loved, did you know?

timidity and old scores

From the other

I want to share a story. It's a long story, and I give you my apologies for that. But if you care at all, please read it. It matters to me what you think.

Once upon a time I met a guy. Once upon a time we set up a charming online flirtation. Once upon a time was my first time, and I went a little overboard. Once upon a time someone introduced me to blogging, and chatting, and the charm of esoteria. Once upon a time I was almost in love.

And then I found something someone had written about it.

Note: I can't find it in me to link to his blog (and not the least because I don't want to unwittingly increase his site meter count <-- joke). He was kind enough not to point fingers at me, and hence I will do the same. Please only read what I have quoted.

So here, then, is the second part of a post our friend wrote about women. The despicable weaker sex. This is the part that concerns me. Read into it what you will.

One of my best friends had one really awkward experience. One girl who saw him in saarang met him online and started chatting. Perfectly ok right. Just an increase in friend circle. But second day onwards mails started becoming real romantic. (I am real sorry dost that I didnt take ur permission before writing all this.) My friend a real sane person realized that something was wrong. How can this happen so soon. Being in iit we are not so used to life moving so fast.
One week over he realized she was chatting with anyone and everyone in the institute. I am really happy for the guy that he came out of this real soon. Didnt want him to become an emotional wreck.
Moral of the story, the things which you get real easy are not at all worth the attempt.
ps there is one actual friend of mine. It is not my story told in third person :)
Ok understood that the girl might be more impressed with the iit brand than iitians themselves. So it was like any iitian chalta hai types. Not that my friend is some dumbass. He is the best of the best and he can beat you in anything hands down but I guess for her she didnt realize she was missing a diamond for gen stones. Of course for seeing that you got to have an eye for it, if you are so busy with all the chalta hai guys then how will you ever be able to spot the gold.
Story doesnt end here. Lack of girls in iit has allowed the girls who come in contact with us take us for granted. They are so confident about themselves that they think we can never say no to them. That we want to hit on every dumb bitch we see on the streets. I agree some of us are like that and I dont claim to be any different . I also try to do that but at least I dont want it to be easy. I dont want my girl to come in my arms the second day itself. I want it to be hardwork. I identify a girl's worth with the attempt you put for her. Too easy to get implies too slutty. Too hard might be taken as a snob but at least they will be worth the attempt. They dont get impressed easily and when they finally do, they dont leave you for any tom dick and harry.

What I did after I read this, I'm not proud of. I could not believe there existed in this world people who, if faced with the facts would not turn around and at least admit their validity.
(Such naïveté. I cannot smile about it yet.)

So the first thing I did was write this.
The next thing I did? I sent him a letter.

hmmm.
am i right in thinking this is about whomever i'm thinking about?
if i'm not, please feel free to read no further and just delete this mail. Seriously.

If i am, then, by God. I don't even have the words to say the things i'm thinking. Same old same old. People just end up thinking exactly whatever they want about you whether they know you or not, right? Cest la vie. Bitter bile that i've been used to since my school days.
Just tell your 'friend' to clear it up with the concerned person before he starts bad-mouthing them all over the place, ok? I thought better of him than that.


And the reply I got:

it was about you only, that small part...and as for him he doesnt bad-mouth anyone...just wanted to share this incident with me thats how i come into the picture...you just couldnt realize what you were missing when you went after all the losers...increasing friend circle doesnt mean that every tom dick n harry is allowed in right...if u want some more friends i know many despos in iit almost equally qualified to our man...i guess u got my point...
i hope the matter is closed...everyone is entitled to his own opinion..what i think abt u is my choice n you cant do anything about it...
and as for him and me we are no social outcasts, we are living our life to the fullest and with utmost satisfaction...we dont need anyone new to come n start being a pain...

installment two

Which losers? And please, please don't assume I make friends with someone just because they are in IIT. If you've ever read anything I've written you'll know how much I abhore pretensions and bigotry and prejudice. I'm sorry if you've met girls like that, but I'm not one of them. I only make friends with people with whom I have something in common - common past, common interests, common friends....
I would really appreciate you enlightening me about the people you are referring to.
And re: everyone is entitled to his own opinion..what i think abt u is my choice n you cant do anything about it...
That's absolutely true, but I think it's only fair not to prejudge someone you don't know. Don't you? Are you sure you have the whole story right?
Of course, if you'd rather not have any contact with me at all, I can respect that. I don't understand it, but I respect it.
Don't go bitter, and don't be prejudiced against me on the basis of one small incident which you really don't know about. I still have (hopefully) a long life to live, I don't want slander and incorrect gossip about me floating around.
Cheers. All the best.


ok point well taken...i believe you...slander and gossip about you...first of all my blog not that famous secondly no one knows whom i was refering to...other than the person herself :)
even if u befriend someone just because he was from iit we dont care...and as for him he has bigger goals and bigger dreams to achieve than waste time on someone who doesnt even know what she is losing...this is my point of view, he is not putting words in my mouth that of course you can see by my writing style..if he was sitting next to me, the mail would have an altogether different style...
as for you.. wanted to give u some advice but i dont know anything about you to do that so let me keep my mouth shut..
n yes u r not the first one to act like this...me not bitter about anything...i dont even know u to waste even an ounce of energy on you..which like a stupid fool i am doing right now.. :)
n goodbye


and three

i would dearly have loved to continue this conversation to its conclusion until all points had been thrashed out to my satisfaction, but as you so very pointedly said 'goodbye'...
no hard feelings, i hope
and au revoir


ok let me say something...why should it matter to you what a guy who is in iit madras whom you have never seen, never going to meet think about you...dont tell me you run your daily matters according to whims and fancies of others...
those are my opinions because of my experiences ..just got a little mixed up with u n had to face the scorn...
of course no hardfeelings...even if they are should i really care ...even to you should u really care...

You get the picture? Not content to leave well enough alone, I'd continued to bombard him with emails. Explain to me, I'd pleaded. Explain to me how someone so nice can have a friend as horrible as you. Explain to me how someone who sent me virtual hugs and kisses and had said "I love you" within ten minutes of our first chat could accuse me, me, of being the desperate one in the relationship. Explain how you can make blanketr statements about someone you don't know. Explain how you can take such liberties with something as precious to a girl as her reputation.
How stupid was I?
I'd wanted him to eat those words, I'd wanted that slander out of his mind. I'd wanted no one to think of me things that were based on nothing. Dislike me as much as you want, I'd always think. Just do it on my own merit.
I didn't think of it in those terms, naturally. I didn't have the self confidence to put it in those terms either. It's only now that I see that that (so many thats!) was what I was trying to say.
How stupid was I? How cowardly? How timid?
The man had given me enough fodder to rip apart his morals, his ethics and his mental ability. At every step he insulted me, and then defended his thoughts by saying I shouldn't care what a stranger thought of me. He'd shown himself, with every subsequent letter, to be crude and prejudiced and stubborn. Blanket generalizations and unfounded accusations.
And I tried to make excuses for him because I'd liked his friend. The stupidity of a susceptible heart.

I was young and inexperienced and clumsy, but that does not excuse my behaviour. What I realized after five months is that even less does it excuse his.
I was so unwilling to blame the common factor that I wrote him letters as well. These were the kind of letters that make me think "Glenn Close!" Even then I thought it.
There is no excuse for the way I continually abashed myself, put every bit of the blame on my own head. I must have done something to give him the wrong impression. Because I knew nothing, it's what I assumed. For someone who sees sexual harassment in every lone man around, I missed just plain harassment when it was staring me in the face.
Because I liked the boy. Because he was the first person who'd ever thought I was pretty. Who'd spent an hour in a conversation with me about nothing. He was someone who'd made me feel special, and attractive, and fun, and to think it was all a lie was breaking my heart. See, I never wanted a relationship. I never asked for a relationship. I just liked the illusion.
What stopped me, every time, was the thought that I owed the boy. I owed him. For things he showed me. And taught me. And brought to my life. Every time I wrote a post, I'd think, If not for him.

What I know now is that nothing is worth this.

Consider the score settled, love.
Take this, my gratitude.
I wish you joy of your friends. I have mine.



Author's note: As always, after a spewing of bile, I begin to doubt the statements I've made. But then again, this pain is mine; and all I've stated here is the truth. Perhaps I'll remove this sometime. But I did not think it fair that I could get no answers from direct contact, and that's why this is here.
For the clarity, and the explanations. For the closure.
This might be a temporary post.
I hope it is.


Oh, big surprise.
Couldn't do it. Coward.

a little personal. and an overdose.

Well then. I seem to be in a grouchy mood. People are in love, and I am consumed by jealous. The clay has too much water and there's no more clay left, and I have no idea how to fix it. The corrugated sheets are exhasted, and no more forthcoming because no more available. People's flippancy is setting my teeth on edge, and I'm relying too much on the easy conversations. I cannot say no, and I cannot push someone away; nice people are hard to be mean to. Every sneha I know, and I wish there were more to me.
I do not want to be one among many, I discovered. It seems to explain a startlingly large number of my life choices.

overdue angst trip

90! and the nostalgia has me feeling embarrassed and guilty. the night decisions have to be rethought, and the people have to be excused. the sister has to be taken out on a night drive, and the no's have to be said before it's too late. the hugs are awaited. i have a good feeling about this, and the imaginating hasn't changed too much.
leaps and bounds, but is it really true? growing up has advantages. i will miss being the baby. i'd better be able to miss it.
i want it gone.

skinny dipping in the sea. why do they all proposition me?
surprise rhymes. those are the ones i can appreciate.
bucket full of clay.

*sigh*

old people make me cry.

mistake

well. for someone who sets so much store by the truth and straightforward answers, i've been lying a whole awful lot.
all i know is, things were a lot easier back when i was lonely.



i need to be betrayed before i can forget it; and i need to let it go to fix it.
i can't forgive you for what you did. if i did, there would be only pain; and the anger is a much preferred mode of self-destruct. at least you can enjoy the anger.

i wish there weren't such a crying need for the effin walls. you live only once. i wish it didn't even have to be that many.

ice candy

i need to learn night photography. i need to let things happen. i need to tell someone.
i like how it never fails to amaze me that people would chose to be with me. i wonder when it gets exclusive. i wonder when it gets mutual.
i want some songs.

peacocks in the garden

and these sudden surprises do for one what a whole night of analysis fails to do. what need of therapy when you have fans?

three dimensions. my heart anticipates, and precipitates. such promises...

post scripting

and now i remember. the temptation of old habits. the pit of bad practices. the fallibility of humans. the limitations of second chances.
do people deserve second chances? can you forgive someone for something they did? does it matter who it is? are second chances handed out on the basis of affection? is it better to offer them regardless? better to grant perfect strangers the benefit of the doubt? isn't it likely that a wrong path taken once is easier to take the second time?
i can vouch for that from personal experience, after all. giving second chances is hard. looking past past mistakes is hard. forgetting the pain caused before is hard. are there degrees? do we have to make rules for every type of transgression? is it one rule for lying and another for cheating? one rule for your best friend and another for a chance aquaintance? do you go harder or easier on the ones you love? do you forgive more and relax less? do you take every new step as one independent? do you become more wary? is probation more than just an uncomfortable state to be in? *sigh*

and another disturbing morning thought: the over-staying of welcomes. no matter how confident one is of the pleasantness of one's company, there is always a niggling feeling that someone is too polite to tell you to get out of their face, and nothing annoys more than someone who insists on hanging around where they're not wanted.
more personal experience.

makes one wonder. learning in principle means nothing without the experience to back it up. we've forgotten that, i think. we need to be reminded.