timidity and old scores

From the other

I want to share a story. It's a long story, and I give you my apologies for that. But if you care at all, please read it. It matters to me what you think.

Once upon a time I met a guy. Once upon a time we set up a charming online flirtation. Once upon a time was my first time, and I went a little overboard. Once upon a time someone introduced me to blogging, and chatting, and the charm of esoteria. Once upon a time I was almost in love.

And then I found something someone had written about it.

Note: I can't find it in me to link to his blog (and not the least because I don't want to unwittingly increase his site meter count <-- joke). He was kind enough not to point fingers at me, and hence I will do the same. Please only read what I have quoted.

So here, then, is the second part of a post our friend wrote about women. The despicable weaker sex. This is the part that concerns me. Read into it what you will.

One of my best friends had one really awkward experience. One girl who saw him in saarang met him online and started chatting. Perfectly ok right. Just an increase in friend circle. But second day onwards mails started becoming real romantic. (I am real sorry dost that I didnt take ur permission before writing all this.) My friend a real sane person realized that something was wrong. How can this happen so soon. Being in iit we are not so used to life moving so fast.
One week over he realized she was chatting with anyone and everyone in the institute. I am really happy for the guy that he came out of this real soon. Didnt want him to become an emotional wreck.
Moral of the story, the things which you get real easy are not at all worth the attempt.
ps there is one actual friend of mine. It is not my story told in third person :)
Ok understood that the girl might be more impressed with the iit brand than iitians themselves. So it was like any iitian chalta hai types. Not that my friend is some dumbass. He is the best of the best and he can beat you in anything hands down but I guess for her she didnt realize she was missing a diamond for gen stones. Of course for seeing that you got to have an eye for it, if you are so busy with all the chalta hai guys then how will you ever be able to spot the gold.
Story doesnt end here. Lack of girls in iit has allowed the girls who come in contact with us take us for granted. They are so confident about themselves that they think we can never say no to them. That we want to hit on every dumb bitch we see on the streets. I agree some of us are like that and I dont claim to be any different . I also try to do that but at least I dont want it to be easy. I dont want my girl to come in my arms the second day itself. I want it to be hardwork. I identify a girl's worth with the attempt you put for her. Too easy to get implies too slutty. Too hard might be taken as a snob but at least they will be worth the attempt. They dont get impressed easily and when they finally do, they dont leave you for any tom dick and harry.

What I did after I read this, I'm not proud of. I could not believe there existed in this world people who, if faced with the facts would not turn around and at least admit their validity.
(Such naïveté. I cannot smile about it yet.)

So the first thing I did was write this.
The next thing I did? I sent him a letter.

hmmm.
am i right in thinking this is about whomever i'm thinking about?
if i'm not, please feel free to read no further and just delete this mail. Seriously.

If i am, then, by God. I don't even have the words to say the things i'm thinking. Same old same old. People just end up thinking exactly whatever they want about you whether they know you or not, right? Cest la vie. Bitter bile that i've been used to since my school days.
Just tell your 'friend' to clear it up with the concerned person before he starts bad-mouthing them all over the place, ok? I thought better of him than that.


And the reply I got:

it was about you only, that small part...and as for him he doesnt bad-mouth anyone...just wanted to share this incident with me thats how i come into the picture...you just couldnt realize what you were missing when you went after all the losers...increasing friend circle doesnt mean that every tom dick n harry is allowed in right...if u want some more friends i know many despos in iit almost equally qualified to our man...i guess u got my point...
i hope the matter is closed...everyone is entitled to his own opinion..what i think abt u is my choice n you cant do anything about it...
and as for him and me we are no social outcasts, we are living our life to the fullest and with utmost satisfaction...we dont need anyone new to come n start being a pain...

installment two

Which losers? And please, please don't assume I make friends with someone just because they are in IIT. If you've ever read anything I've written you'll know how much I abhore pretensions and bigotry and prejudice. I'm sorry if you've met girls like that, but I'm not one of them. I only make friends with people with whom I have something in common - common past, common interests, common friends....
I would really appreciate you enlightening me about the people you are referring to.
And re: everyone is entitled to his own opinion..what i think abt u is my choice n you cant do anything about it...
That's absolutely true, but I think it's only fair not to prejudge someone you don't know. Don't you? Are you sure you have the whole story right?
Of course, if you'd rather not have any contact with me at all, I can respect that. I don't understand it, but I respect it.
Don't go bitter, and don't be prejudiced against me on the basis of one small incident which you really don't know about. I still have (hopefully) a long life to live, I don't want slander and incorrect gossip about me floating around.
Cheers. All the best.


ok point well taken...i believe you...slander and gossip about you...first of all my blog not that famous secondly no one knows whom i was refering to...other than the person herself :)
even if u befriend someone just because he was from iit we dont care...and as for him he has bigger goals and bigger dreams to achieve than waste time on someone who doesnt even know what she is losing...this is my point of view, he is not putting words in my mouth that of course you can see by my writing style..if he was sitting next to me, the mail would have an altogether different style...
as for you.. wanted to give u some advice but i dont know anything about you to do that so let me keep my mouth shut..
n yes u r not the first one to act like this...me not bitter about anything...i dont even know u to waste even an ounce of energy on you..which like a stupid fool i am doing right now.. :)
n goodbye


and three

i would dearly have loved to continue this conversation to its conclusion until all points had been thrashed out to my satisfaction, but as you so very pointedly said 'goodbye'...
no hard feelings, i hope
and au revoir


ok let me say something...why should it matter to you what a guy who is in iit madras whom you have never seen, never going to meet think about you...dont tell me you run your daily matters according to whims and fancies of others...
those are my opinions because of my experiences ..just got a little mixed up with u n had to face the scorn...
of course no hardfeelings...even if they are should i really care ...even to you should u really care...

You get the picture? Not content to leave well enough alone, I'd continued to bombard him with emails. Explain to me, I'd pleaded. Explain to me how someone so nice can have a friend as horrible as you. Explain to me how someone who sent me virtual hugs and kisses and had said "I love you" within ten minutes of our first chat could accuse me, me, of being the desperate one in the relationship. Explain how you can make blanketr statements about someone you don't know. Explain how you can take such liberties with something as precious to a girl as her reputation.
How stupid was I?
I'd wanted him to eat those words, I'd wanted that slander out of his mind. I'd wanted no one to think of me things that were based on nothing. Dislike me as much as you want, I'd always think. Just do it on my own merit.
I didn't think of it in those terms, naturally. I didn't have the self confidence to put it in those terms either. It's only now that I see that that (so many thats!) was what I was trying to say.
How stupid was I? How cowardly? How timid?
The man had given me enough fodder to rip apart his morals, his ethics and his mental ability. At every step he insulted me, and then defended his thoughts by saying I shouldn't care what a stranger thought of me. He'd shown himself, with every subsequent letter, to be crude and prejudiced and stubborn. Blanket generalizations and unfounded accusations.
And I tried to make excuses for him because I'd liked his friend. The stupidity of a susceptible heart.

I was young and inexperienced and clumsy, but that does not excuse my behaviour. What I realized after five months is that even less does it excuse his.
I was so unwilling to blame the common factor that I wrote him letters as well. These were the kind of letters that make me think "Glenn Close!" Even then I thought it.
There is no excuse for the way I continually abashed myself, put every bit of the blame on my own head. I must have done something to give him the wrong impression. Because I knew nothing, it's what I assumed. For someone who sees sexual harassment in every lone man around, I missed just plain harassment when it was staring me in the face.
Because I liked the boy. Because he was the first person who'd ever thought I was pretty. Who'd spent an hour in a conversation with me about nothing. He was someone who'd made me feel special, and attractive, and fun, and to think it was all a lie was breaking my heart. See, I never wanted a relationship. I never asked for a relationship. I just liked the illusion.
What stopped me, every time, was the thought that I owed the boy. I owed him. For things he showed me. And taught me. And brought to my life. Every time I wrote a post, I'd think, If not for him.

What I know now is that nothing is worth this.

Consider the score settled, love.
Take this, my gratitude.
I wish you joy of your friends. I have mine.



Author's note: As always, after a spewing of bile, I begin to doubt the statements I've made. But then again, this pain is mine; and all I've stated here is the truth. Perhaps I'll remove this sometime. But I did not think it fair that I could get no answers from direct contact, and that's why this is here.
For the clarity, and the explanations. For the closure.
This might be a temporary post.
I hope it is.


Oh, big surprise.
Couldn't do it. Coward.