at times i am "not the most mature"
(still taking adolessons)
but everyone's immature; some just deny it better. they tell me - oh, not They; just they - my friends, the people i ask - they tell me everyone who is, worries about dying alone. and i think, that would be okay, if i knew. i need to know for sure, that's what i need. perhaps i have too great a regard for spelling things out. most people don't like it; they say why must you ask so many questions just let it go why can't you let it go only i can't.
i worry that i will always never always never... i worry. i find my wisdom in my misery; and it hurts that all those whom i believe can or will see it - don't. it is because of time spent, i suppose. time spent around the immaturity of me. i am tired of being seen skewed. i am tired of guesswork. spadework. work. i wish, so much, for a friendship where i will not be the only one making the advances, the offers, the sacrifices. i wonder why i am always so ready to be the one helping. does it make me better in any way, trying to be the person others turn to?
no, because they will not always turn to me. i am terrified of being unneeded. am i so ordinary that everybody everybody everybody can do without me? ah, but wait. it isn't everyone, is it? no. it's just one big mess and a series of one-sided arrows, and a person who will insist on pushing me away.
if i were to break it down
(to pieces pieces)
i would have to admit that i'm better off now than i was the last time this happened. definitely i have come ahead in the departments of blame, tears and silent suffering - except that i'm leaning on walls a lot more leaning this time around. perhaps because there's a larger measure of honesty there this time. perhaps. but the problem is (and has always been) that i am a past master at fooling myself into thinking whatever i feel like thinking. why worry? why worry about could have- should have- would have- why? because i can?
i wonder now if i'm looking for something to blame. i usually am - i like things to be someone's fault, or something's fault, or because of something that can be avoided the next time. i collect these guesses like little pearls of something almost approaching wisdom and i ask ask ask everyone i ask them what did you do what would you do what should i do and people will tell me things i want to hear because all the people i ask are as mad about the lost romance as i am. and all the advice is bad, and all the advice is wrong, and my instincts are sending me horribly mixed messages. alas, egad, agog.
I have far too great a fondness for symbols. Superstition! ahoy. So weak and powerless over you. Odd, it's only because I will. I want to be. How much self destruction must I recognize before I'll step in and stop it? I can advise until I'm blue in the face, but I will not believe it's over until someone says it in so many words. I wish I could just be loved by someone I love, you know? Just once, have someone I like more than anyone else in the world return the feeling. It's okay if it doesn't last more than a day, or if it never happens again. I just want to know what it's like - and I want to be able to say I've felt it, too.
Is that too much to ask?
Is it too soon?
(still taking adolessons)
but everyone's immature; some just deny it better. they tell me - oh, not They; just they - my friends, the people i ask - they tell me everyone who is, worries about dying alone. and i think, that would be okay, if i knew. i need to know for sure, that's what i need. perhaps i have too great a regard for spelling things out. most people don't like it; they say why must you ask so many questions just let it go why can't you let it go only i can't.
i worry that i will always never always never... i worry. i find my wisdom in my misery; and it hurts that all those whom i believe can or will see it - don't. it is because of time spent, i suppose. time spent around the immaturity of me. i am tired of being seen skewed. i am tired of guesswork. spadework. work. i wish, so much, for a friendship where i will not be the only one making the advances, the offers, the sacrifices. i wonder why i am always so ready to be the one helping. does it make me better in any way, trying to be the person others turn to?
no, because they will not always turn to me. i am terrified of being unneeded. am i so ordinary that everybody everybody everybody can do without me? ah, but wait. it isn't everyone, is it? no. it's just one big mess and a series of one-sided arrows, and a person who will insist on pushing me away.
if i were to break it down
(to pieces pieces)
i would have to admit that i'm better off now than i was the last time this happened. definitely i have come ahead in the departments of blame, tears and silent suffering - except that i'm leaning on walls a lot more leaning this time around. perhaps because there's a larger measure of honesty there this time. perhaps. but the problem is (and has always been) that i am a past master at fooling myself into thinking whatever i feel like thinking. why worry? why worry about could have- should have- would have- why? because i can?
i wonder now if i'm looking for something to blame. i usually am - i like things to be someone's fault, or something's fault, or because of something that can be avoided the next time. i collect these guesses like little pearls of something almost approaching wisdom and i ask ask ask everyone i ask them what did you do what would you do what should i do and people will tell me things i want to hear because all the people i ask are as mad about the lost romance as i am. and all the advice is bad, and all the advice is wrong, and my instincts are sending me horribly mixed messages. alas, egad, agog.
I have far too great a fondness for symbols. Superstition! ahoy. So weak and powerless over you. Odd, it's only because I will. I want to be. How much self destruction must I recognize before I'll step in and stop it? I can advise until I'm blue in the face, but I will not believe it's over until someone says it in so many words. I wish I could just be loved by someone I love, you know? Just once, have someone I like more than anyone else in the world return the feeling. It's okay if it doesn't last more than a day, or if it never happens again. I just want to know what it's like - and I want to be able to say I've felt it, too.
Is that too much to ask?
Is it too soon?
5 comments:
This is not advice.
I could understand everything that you have said. Word for word.
Have you ever tried loving someone who loves you? It is difficult but try it some time.. then you will understand why it is so difficult for the ones we love, to love us back. Love is a repellant and not an attractor. The best thing is to love yourself and make room for the others to exist in your life.
By the way, google still indexes your blog.
No.
Just - no.
Hahaha! :-)
I am not who you think I am. I am a girl and I understand what you are going through.
Growing up has its own pains. Familiar advice.. almost useless? Yeah.. we can connect the dots only much later. That is how life works - always.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Whatever made you think I took you for someone else?
I thought your "No"s were reserved for someone in particular. Anyway, don't hurt so much. It is not worth it. Easier said right? :-)
I have been through everything that you have spoken of here. Often in this world we don't get loved because we don't love the ones that love us.
I feel attracted to people who ignore me. It is more a denial. It is more of an inability to accept that someone as cool as me can also be ignored. That is why we fight it out so much with people who reject us. Whereas, when someone loves us it is so easy for us to ignore them because it is obvious that we are lovable and what is there to get excited about anyway. ;-)
If you are obsessing with someone who ignores you, it is probably an anger that springs from Low Self-Esteem. Look away and look outside. There are plenty of fishes in the sea. Take your pick! You're an awesome girl and you deserve much better than some dickhead who ignores you.
And if he is playing the blow-hot blow-cold game, ditch him without a second thought!
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