Don't I get points for trying?
It is strange how any upheaval in the life of T sends her scurrying towards keyboard and computer screen. the sister asked me yesterday what I'd do if I lost it, all the writing. I...didn't know what to say. This is really all I am, this outpouring of nonsense. Why do I write, really? It isn't as though people want to read it, is it? No, but I do. Sometimes I write just so I can hear what I'm thinking.
Disappointment. I'm getting used to handling it with calm and poise. Stoic. Only I'm not, not really, I just try very very hard. And it all used to come around to am I really good at anything, really? but now it's different, now it's i know i'm bloody good, so what in the hell am i doing wrong?
Perhaps it is being myself that I should avoid. Give people what they want to hear. Or maybe again, that's what I do, only always at the wrong times...Maybe I tell people what they want to hear when I shouldn't and I'm myself when I shouldn't be, or. heh. Maybe I'm just not what people are looking for.
It's easy to say there's something out there better, easy to shrug off the little failures, easy to pretend that you don't care. What's hard is believing it. Believing that you are all you want to be. Am I? Intelligent? Kind? Thoughtful? Talented? Better?
Why do I care? Why do I? What does it matter where you study, or where you work, or where you live? Why does it matter what you're doing? Why do you compare? Why not be content with whatever you do, regardless of what others are doing?
Because it isn't good enough.
I want some direction, please.
It is strange how any upheaval in the life of T sends her scurrying towards keyboard and computer screen. the sister asked me yesterday what I'd do if I lost it, all the writing. I...didn't know what to say. This is really all I am, this outpouring of nonsense. Why do I write, really? It isn't as though people want to read it, is it? No, but I do. Sometimes I write just so I can hear what I'm thinking.
Disappointment. I'm getting used to handling it with calm and poise. Stoic. Only I'm not, not really, I just try very very hard. And it all used to come around to am I really good at anything, really? but now it's different, now it's i know i'm bloody good, so what in the hell am i doing wrong?
Perhaps it is being myself that I should avoid. Give people what they want to hear. Or maybe again, that's what I do, only always at the wrong times...Maybe I tell people what they want to hear when I shouldn't and I'm myself when I shouldn't be, or. heh. Maybe I'm just not what people are looking for.
It's easy to say there's something out there better, easy to shrug off the little failures, easy to pretend that you don't care. What's hard is believing it. Believing that you are all you want to be. Am I? Intelligent? Kind? Thoughtful? Talented? Better?
Why do I care? Why do I? What does it matter where you study, or where you work, or where you live? Why does it matter what you're doing? Why do you compare? Why not be content with whatever you do, regardless of what others are doing?
Because it isn't good enough.
I want some direction, please.
2 comments:
Woah..that was intense. Advice on blog comments are usually futile, so I wont try..
But incase this gives any comfort - we are all struggling with the same questions and worries every now and then. I know I do, from time to time.
*hugs*
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