adrift

isn't there anybody out there that feels the same way? i can't take it. i feel like something has been irrevocably screwed up in my head. i'd do anything to fix it, but i don't know how and i don't know what. i want to go silent again, just to see if anyone notices. will you miss me? i want you to. he thinks it's childishness, and perhaps it is, but he doesn't understand the first thing about why. how can a person so wise be so stupid? i want you to miss me. i want to know, every day, that you care. i need to feel that somewhere there is a person to whom i mean something. mom says it too, she says, once you know they care, it doesn't matter that they never call. how does it not matter? how? i'm not saying call everyday. i'm not saying call everyone. just a line? just a note? just a ping?
to have all these means of communication and still have them lie empty is one of those cruel jokes that people attribute to that wily ol' lady fate. and a pox on the one i hate it. is it too much to ask to go on as you've begun? apparently it is. i can't understand it, and i can't accept it and i need someone to explain it to me like i was a child. so many friends, and with all of them, the warmth peters out to this lukewarm almost-caring, and i can't handle that nohow contrawise.
i go into everything so passionately, and i want it to always be that way. why can't it?
i need to know.
i'm not averse to change. i'm averse to change without reason. i need motive. i need purpose. i need rules. i need a plan. i feel lost and the words aren't helping. they aren't pretty and they aren't structured and i'm just rambling along. i don't think i will want to come back here to read what i've written, better to let it lie as purged. i will try and get a high from the day. almost it holds promise.
first i teach and then i learn. two of the most wonderful things to do. why can i not feel excited?