one more thing to blame

i find it increasingly hard to adjust to being stuck in this same mental pasture. i write so much and end up arriving at the exact same points almost every time, albeit by a different route. i seem to enjoy finding new things to point fingers at to explain my condition. i'm afraid again, meanwhile. i don't anticipate much pain this time, but i anticipate all the other things. i suspect the things i think are all wrong. but i think that every time. and when i go back and see the things i've written, i suspect it about the same thoughts, even.
i wish there hadn't been those two letters. now all the thoughts are topsy-turvey.
confusion is less overwhelming for some reason. either it is because i'm maturing or it's because of the heavy heavy lunch.
hmmm.
i feel like jello now.